The Steve Shives Saga: Ashley Learns that Steve Has Blocked Her, Too. s

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Really?
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The Steve Shives Saga: Ashley Learns that Steve Has Blocked Her, Too. s

#1

Post by Really? »

I want some kind of record of what Ashley said on Reddit in case she or Steve try to deny any of it during the inevitable and hilarious public feminist fight. I'll try to tell the story and include any highlights. Please feel free to add your own analysis.

Five months ago, it begins. Ashley posts this to r/relationship_advice. 3400 upvotes!


http://removeddit.com/r/relationship_ad ... _suddenly/
How should I [36f] react to husband [40m] suddenly Zoom-calling with his ex

Background: He and I have been together about 15 years. Lately I feel like we've been growing apart. Nothing major, I just feel like he kind of forgets I exist. He's always working and I'm not really a priority to him, and now with the covid since we're at home together all the time he feels like we do spend time together even though it's mostly watching TV at night or eating lunch over the sink together. This is not the first time I have sensed this distance between us.

Current issue: My husband has remained good friends with his ex-gf for probably 20 years, before my time. I am not a huge fan of their friendship, but he insists on keeping it so I just usually let it go because he doesn't listen or respect my opinion, anyway. She's married and lives far away, so as far as I'm aware they only interact on social media every now and then.

Today at lunch he told me that he was jumping on a Zoom call with her. As far as I know, this is the first time they've spoken face-to-face since they broke up 20 years ago. He has now been in this zoom call for two hours and counting. Apparently she also has this online conference thing she's hosting tonight and he told me he's gonna tune into that, too.

I also found out that she had a conference the night before last. That night he was in his home office working really late, but now I wonder if he "attended" that conference, too, without telling me. I feel like I should talk to him about how I feel but am I overreacting?

At lunch when he told me about today's Zoom call, he asked if it was okay with me in kind of an annoyed tone, and I almost laughed out loud. Instead I just shrugged and asked if what i thought even mattered. We both knew that he'd do whatever he wanted whether i was okay with it or not. I know if I broach the subject I'll just look like the tiresome jealous wife but am I justified here? I really can't tell anymore.

tl;dr Husband is on zoom call with his ex. I'm not a big fan of this and am unsure of whether I should even be upset about it. How should I react? Should I just let it go?
At this point, of course, Ashley was holding back in terms of revealing her identity. It is amusing that she paints Steve as a "Imma Do What I Want" Chad.

Comment on post:
Yeah you might have a point. It is curious because I actually don't feel jealous of her at this point. I don't see her as a legitimate threat or anything. I am more jealous of him spending his time and prioritizing other people.
Was this posturing? Dana turned out to be quite a threat.
That's a good point. I wish I had more friends. He has a lot of people he speaks with daily, for work and for fun. Sometimes I wonder if I had a fuller social life if we'd be divorced, honestly. I depend on him for a lot, but he doesn't seem to need me at all.
Indeed, Shives has a great many friends in his little community. He even recently did a video with Anita Sarkeesian.

_______________

Shortly thereafter, Ashley posts this in r/AskWomenOver30, but deletes the comment.



http://removeddit.com/r/AskWomenOver30/ ... over_i_am/

She posted, one assumes, the same comment to r/Divorce:


I am a 37 years old (woman) and my husband is 40. We've been together 15 years total, 10 of those married, mostly happily but with some bumps in the road. No kids.

Today he told me that he still has feelings for an ex he's stayed friends with for over 18 years. Apparently she has similar feelings. She is also married. Neither my husband or his ex want to blow up their lives, but he told me that he cannot stand the thought of never speaking to her again. Apparently he fears losing her (even if he can't have a relationship with her) more than losing me. And in the past couple weeks, it's turned sexual between them (all through text).

I am gobsmacked. He is the breadwinner. I do part-time work from home but have a chronic health condition that keeps me from holding a FT job for any length of time because flare-ups can last for weeks and render me unable to drive. We were supposed to move into his grandparents' house that he recently inherited, and I've been looking forward to that so much, and I had been planning and saving my own money to make it homey. Now that's all gone.

I really don't know what to do. I am just kind of floored. He said he'll take a month to "figure it out" and because I'm terrified of the future without him I am hoping he'll decide to stay with me. What the fuck am I supposed to do now. I'm not even mad, I'm just scared.

Has anyone gone through this and how did you go forward? I can't imagine the future right now. He literally told me like two hours ago. I know it's weird to come to reddit immediately but writing it out is really the only thing that makes sense right now and I don't want to tell anyone irl.
Steve just inherited a house! Steve is the breadwinner. Steve pretends he will take a month to decide whether he will allow Ashley to continue to love him.

Other commenters urge her to check out Chump Lady, a resource for women in this situation.
Well, he was mealy-mouthing on what he wanted to do. Kept saying he "wasn't sure" what he wanted to to, that he couldn't believe he was actually telling me the truth, etc. I suggested he take a month to figure things out, because I needed to know just for practical purposes what the next steps would be. He agreed.

Usually I have much more pride, but fear is keeping me from even being angry at this point. I don't know if it's really sunk in yet.
Yes, I am feeling sympathy for her.
The thing is, my condition isn't "official," like I was diagnosed once a while back but because there's not much to be done other than manage symptoms I don't see the doctor regularly. I am not on government disability or anything, it's just something I manage.

He seems very guilty and upset, and he said he'll do anything to help me out, but he doesn't make that much money to begin with so I don't even know if a lawyer would help at all. Thank you for your concern, I really appreciate it.
I wonder how much Steve makes. It would be amazing if Steve managed to handle it without paying for both lawyers. Spoiler: he is paying alimony.
The thing is, I have had doubts about the marriage, but I just never expected this ending. I figured one day I would get fed up and leave, but now I realize I was a fool. I was just playing in my head. Now that's actually happening I don't want it to happen.

Thanks for the suggestion, I will check out that book.
I am not surprised that she thought she had the upper hand.
The other woman lives hundreds of miles away. There's no way it could have been physical. He does not want to give up talking to her, and has basically told me that he would rather be penpals with her through text than a husband with me. He loves her that much. I don't get it. I really thought he loved me, that i was the love of his life. Hearing all this is like meeting a stranger. It's so bizarre.
Emphasis mine. Ouch.

Really?
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Re: The Steve Shives Saga: Ashley Learns that Steve Has Blocked Her, Too. s

#2

Post by Really? »

Before too much longer (still five months ago), Ashley posted this to r/Divorce.



http://removeddit.com/r/Divorce/comment ... ied_woman/
It sounds vindictive but hear me out. My husband and the other woman dated 20 years ago. They've remained friends since then. They "like" and comment on each others' posts on facebook and Twitter. I always knew they were friends and never liked it, but I put up with it because he refused to give up communicating with her. He swore they were just pals.

I just learned that this ex told my husband she still loves him after all these years, and in the past few weeks their relationship has gone sexual (virtual, obviously). He basically told me our marriage was over, because even though he and she can't be together, he knows he'll never be able to give her up.

She is not leaving her husband. I don't think her husband knows the extent of her and my husband's "friendship," either, beyond chatting once in a while on social media.

If this were a one-off thing I wouldn't meddle. But this clearly has been an ongoing relationship/emotional affair between my husband and this woman. Would I be a total bitch if I reached out? Maybe I should wait. I just don't know what to do.
We learn that Steve and Dana have been cybering.

Ashley is urged to retain counsel to protect her interests.
You don't know my husband. Neither of us have money for lawyers. The more I make him angry the further he will withdraw. I don't think he would deny me anything because he realizes he is in the wrong, but me telling would definitely make things more acrimonious.
Ashley is urged to walk away.
Yeah, I kind of agree with you. The thing is, I don't hate my husband. I am hurt but I don't hate him, and he loves this woman and wants her to be happy, so if I muck up her life then my husband will only think less of me.

At this point (I am in Day 2 of being told my life is over) I want to see if we can work it out....I just love him so much and am afraid of the future. If I feel the need to say anything to the husband I might just sit on it for a while and see how I feel in a few months or something.
Do we think this is true? Has he really not seen Dana in person in 18 years? I suppose Ashley would know if Steve were out of the house.
lol I KNOW!!!! He did date her in person 20 years ago. They were together for 2 years back then. Since then I don't think they saw each other face-to-face before a Zoom call a couple days ago. He is just really hung up on her. He refuses to let her go.
Do we believe that Steve only started cybering with her a few weeks earlier?
Honestly the sex is the least of it for me. He is now telling me after 15 years that while he's loved me and likes being married to me, he has carried a torch for this woman and will continue to do so. I always thought I was his #1 but guess what. I was not. I feel like I have lived a 15-year-long lie. So yeah, I'd say it was more of an emotional affair that he has carried on under the guise of "friendship." It's only turned sexual in the last couple weeks.
_________________________________________________

That same day-ish, Ashley made another post to r/Divorce:



http://removeddit.com/r/Divorce/comment ... order_did/
If you were being supported by your spouse before you started divorce proceedings, how did you make a life for yourself after things went south? I'm talking in practical, step-by-step terms.

Like, I am assuming I will first need to find a full-time job. But after I start that, how long will it be until I can afford my own apartment? Did you split your furniture with your spouse or just start over? Open a different bank account? We have joint savings but I have my own account separate, too.

How long did it take you to start a new life in terms of physically setting yourself up in a different place, job, etc? This may be asking a lot but I need something like a week-by-week breakdown of what to do and how to proceed. Or a ballpark of what to do and when.

* * My backstory: Yesterday my husband (40m) told me our marriage is over and he's in love with someone else. I (37f) am shocked. We are getting online marriage counseling for the next month, but from what he's saying I don't have much hope. No kids.

I've never really lived on my own and due to semi-recent health problems my husband has been supporting me (I do part-time work from home). I am really at a loss here of what the hell I should be doing to prepare for the future alone. I don't know where to start. All I can find on the internet is big-picture stuff or mental/philosophical phases.

(Edited for clarity)
Important new information: they were apparently going to get counseling.

This comment was deleted. I'm not sure what is was a response to:
She was telling me she was moving back in, sent me pictures of her packing, and told me she left me a present on her desk. It was a dear John letter. One year later I'm still looking at her furniture and belongings all boxed up. She still doesn't have the "mental capacity" to actually file.
_____________________________________________

A day after the previous post, Ashley posted this to r/Divorce:



http://removeddit.com/r/Divorce/comment ... after_you/
Day 3 of post-divorce revelation here. My husband had an emotional affair and we will be splitting up after 15 years together. No children.

I just love him so much. I do think he loves me, too. In some ways I know that divorce was kind of inevitable for several other reasons, anyway, but it's so painful and raw right now.

I am wondering if any of you have stayed friends with your ex through and after divorce. I can't imagine him not in my life, and he says the same about me. I realize those feelings might change, but we've always had a great rapport together.
I find it interesting that she is still being very vague about who they are. I'm curious to see where the turn is and when she starts leaving more clues that she's married to Male Feminist Number Uno.

She only left one comment in the thread and it's nothing new.

Matt Cavanaugh
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Re: The Steve Shives Saga: Ashley Learns that Steve Has Blocked Her, Too. s

#3

Post by Matt Cavanaugh »

Shives should've sexted with Hyena Dhadaboy instead. Then he could've honestly stated, 'No, snuggums, I'm not having an emotional affair with another woman.'

Really?
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Re: The Steve Shives Saga: Ashley Learns that Steve Has Blocked Her, Too. s

#4

Post by Really? »

Four months ago (I guess I am not good at figuring out dates and times on Reddit), Ashley posted this to r/survivinginfidelity:



http://removeddit.com/r/survivinginfide ... emotional/
Edit: Well that was fast. My husband just told me that she told her husband yesterday. So her husband knows. Apparently he's okay with it! Fuck my life

Edit 2: I asked for and he gave me a screenshot of her telling my husband that she told her husband. Do I believe her? Honestly I don't know. Like so many of you are saying, the more I learn about his infidelity the more I learn how much of a liar he (and her) is. But I am so fucking done right now I just feel like walking away from all of it and never looking back, her husband be damned.

EDIT 3 UPDATE: I sent the husband all the details this morning. Not sure if it will do any good. I figured I would just do it and be done. Everything is fucked, anyway, so I really am sort of at the end of my rope.

////////////////

Four days ago my husband told me our marriage was over. His long-time friendship with his ex from 20 years ago turned sexual. This was all via text. Apparently he has loved her ever since they broke up and never told me about his feelings. I knew they were friends and never liked it, but I had no idea it was at this level. He would rather keep her in his life than stay married to me. Up until now I thought our marriage was good and we had a bright future together. I am devastated.

She is also married. She lives hundreds of miles away. She is not leaving her husband. Her husband has no idea, as far as I know. But she and my husband text and message each other every day. They also are all over each other's social media posts, so it's right there in my face.

I want to tell her husband. I know it's probably vindictive, because I only think about it when I get angry. My husband is begging me to not do it. He doesn't want to ruin her life. And I'm like, what about my fucking life? What about OUR life together? I am just done with his sniveling and sorrys. Also, his ex is the one who escalated the friendship into something more.

My whole life is gonna be blown up. I will have to find a whole new way of living, because up until now I've been working at home while he supported me. Meanwhile, he does not have to change anything. All he's talked about is how much he loves her, blah blah. For 15 years he's told me I was the love of his life. I am honestly griefstricken.

I know the letter to the husband won't help anything. But it sure won't fucking hurt anything at this point, either.

tl;dr: Has anyone ever told the spouse of the affair partner? What happened, and are you sorry you did it?
It is interesting and understandable that Ashley recognizes that her desire to mess with Dana is vindictive. I can't blame her. Do you?

World's Best Male Feminist is text-cheating with Dana and is telling Ashley she means nothing to him, but he expects Ashley to suffer in silence. What a great guy.

Was Steve lying about Dana initiating the relationship? Has Ashley seen the texts?

Ashley quickly learns that the husband is cool with his wife sexttexting Steve.

Ashley has spunk. I love that she contacted the husband anyway. At the moment, I can't find Dana's Insta. Here is her YouTube channel. She has 54 subs.

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCWuo-4 ... LmzalAT8Zw

Yeah, Stevie doesn't give a shit about Ashley, or he wouldn't be rubbing the relationship in her face.
I also feel a moral obligation to tell. Yet part of me (the part that wants my old life back) does not want to upset my husband. I also don't want to be a busybody.

But then I watch my husband and her interact in public on the internet and it makes me sick. I feel so powerless. And I feel bad for the husband.
We learn how she contacted the husband:
I just hope he sees the message. The only way to contact him was via Facebook, and I am not his friend on there so I hope the message doesn't go to his spam filter. Oh, well! I feel like I have done my duty.
__________________________________________

Uh oh. While the previous thread was cooking (only a day or two), Ashley starts dropping deets on another person's thread:


LOL what about when your husband says the same thing? My husband is such a fucking loudmouth on the internet about being a feminist and "anti-creep," turns out he's a liar and a cheater and the woman he emotionally fucked is the same thing. Makes me sick.

Why are you still with this dirtbag? If dumping him is not possible, avoid him as much as possible and pretend he's dead when he's not directly in front of you. I have found this method is helpful in protecting my mental health (and also stops me from looking up the other woman/husband's internet bs, because if you mentally block their existence everything else isn't real, either).
DAY FIVE. From another thread:


I, too, reacted at first with total calm. Then came sadness and grief. I am now on Day 5 and I have reached anger and resignation. Like you, I thought "I would kick 'em to the curb" if they ever cheated on me. The thing is, I still loved my husband when he told me all of this.

Right now I really do believe I am moving through the stages of grief. For the person I thought I knew and for my marriage. Those things are gone and not recoverable.

Really?
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Re: The Steve Shives Saga: Ashley Learns that Steve Has Blocked Her, Too. s

#5

Post by Really? »

Later on Day Five, Ashley posted this:



http://removeddit.com/r/survivinginfide ... vorce_was/
Hi, I am on Day #5 since DDay. My husband of 10 years/15 together has been having a longterm "friendship"/emotional affair that turned sexual a couple weeks ago with an ex of his from 20 years ago.

Today I feel like I want to be done. However, I realize it's pretty early on and I'm just wondering....has anyone ever gone through this at first thinking DIVORCE but then reconciling? Reconciliation seems so impossible now.

Here is the timeline so far:

Saturday: Discovery. Numbness. Calmness. Shock. Sadness. Disbelief. He says he wants to stay married but refuses to give up his AP because she's an old friend and he can't live without her, even though she lives long-distance and is married (which is not changing).

Sunday: More disbelief and sadness. Civility between us. I still think maybe I can figure this out and we can fix it. Extreme fear of future alone.

Monday: Civility. Sadness. Resignation. Start online marriage counseling. I go visit my parents. Come back. He and I are civil, but I turn assertive. I say, "I need more than apologies, i need to know if you want to be with ME." He again refuses to compromise on the AP, and he admits it's over between us because he can't compromise. He and AP are still texting. I still have fear of future.

Tuesday: Anger sets in. I finally allow myself to realize that he is more committed to her than me. That he is fucking delusional. He is throwing his life away for what amounts to an online friendship. I find him crying over their exchanged texts, the tragedy of it all! Their thwarted romance! I send her a strongly worded email telling her how she and he have fucked up my life. Not asking her to do anything, I just wanted to tell her. Screamed at him.

Today: Gloves are off. I message all the gory details to AP's husband. I am seething. I feel finished. Completely done. Stronger and less wild. I told husband to not even look at or speak to me. Avoiding each other all day. I tell marriage counselor and my husband that I told the other guy, and he is pissed. He told us that he told his AP, OF COURSE!!!!! He wanted to gallantly warn her.

Now I am scared but resolute that I will survive somehow and divorce is definite. I hate feeling this angry, but he does not seem to care at all. He is in his own little world. I'm telling you, this is all shocking the hell out of me.
We learn that Ashley sent Dana a "Don't fuck with my man" e-mail. I'd love to read that.

No responses in the comments.

_______________________________________

Ashley posts around the same time:


I don't have kids but I have some health problems that have kept me from holding full-time work outside the home. Husband cheated and we're gonna get divorced.

Are there any books that guide you through the steps of figuring out your life after you get dumped? I am looking for procedural types of books, something that tells me the order of how to do things. I know it's dumb but I feel like I need a step-by-step guide because right now I don't know where to begin. Any advice/life experience is also welcome.
Only two responses.

_______________________________________________

Okay, here's where it gets interesting. Ashley is understandably pissed and is now leaving plenty of bread crumbs. This is DAY SIX.



http://removeddit.com/r/survivinginfide ... ty_aka_my/
So my husband has a YouTube channel. Mostly we see eye to eye on politics but he's made a career of being outraged on the internet and getting people to think he's this prince of a dude who is a total feminist and upstanding person. Meanwhile, he is offloading my ass for an ex he's carried a torch for 20, count 'em, 20 years.

For 15 years he forgot to tell me he was in love with this woman (who is happily married, btw, and not leaving her husband), and swore to me that they were "just old friends." When she finally told him she had feelings too two weeks ago, it went romantic and sexual. All online and long distance, mind you, but at that point he was gone. Totally checked out mentally/emotionally. Six days ago he admitted the truth, completely shattering my life and our life together. I have not seen the man I married and truly loved since. I was truly blindsided. I'm still in shock.

Earlier this week he did a livestream, and if you're familiar with YouTube you know there is a live chatroom there. I guess because I fucking hate myself I watched part of the broadcast after it aired live, wondering if his AP had been brazen enough to be in the chatroom. Of course she was! He had made her a moderator!!! She cheerfully chatted up a storm with other people.

Then, at the end of the livestream (I skipped ahead), which was thankfully seen by *only* 6,000 people, AP said in the chat something like, "I'm gonna be in this virtual such-and-such thing on Saturday night." And then, ON THE SCREEN IN FRONT OF MY FACE, my husband reads her comment aloud and is like, "I'll be watching and I know you'll do great" although he never says sentences that short so it was something a lot longer and bullshittier.

I confronted him about it yesterday in our online counseling session. His response? "I didn't think it would hurt you. I just wasn't thinking."

So yeah. Just remember, when the end of your marriage is sucking hard, it could always be worse. Your spouse could be a minor internet celebrity. Fml
How the hell does Steve get 6K viewers?

More importantly, I love her characterization of him: "he's made a career of being outraged on the internet and getting people to think he's this prince of a dude who is a total feminist and upstanding person."

I don't understand what she means by this part: "he never says sentences that short so it was something a lot longer and bullshittier."

This exchange is pretty funny.



Oldbetch says:
Am I wrong for getting nervous whenever a man loudly mentions that he's a 'feminist'?
Response from rando:
Definitely not. Over the years I've noticed that man who claim to be feminist just say so to "get in your panties" basically and are overall assholes. I stay as far away as possible from those types of men
White Knight Frank Flashman fails to read the room and replies:
I’m a man and definitely a feminist. I think there are many men who match your assertion, however, the only panties I’m interested are my wife’s.

Being anything other then a feminist betrays all of the women who are close to me, that’s why I’m a feminist, that and that’s how my mother raised me. I’m a feminist because I love my wife, my daughters, my sisters and many girls and women I’ve known over the course of my 50+ years.

Edit; words...
Ashley responds to oldbetch:
You are absolutely not wrong! I felt that way even before all this happened.
Someone asks why Ashley doesn't torpedo him.


Why don't you expose him out on his channel
Ashley replies:
Because it's his living and if I fuck that up then we'll both be fucked
There's that STRONG, INDEPENDENT WOMAN talk I've heard so much about.

Further from Ashley:
The double bind I am in right now is that YouTube is how he makes his living. So if I damage his rep publicly, he might lose viewers/subscribers/income. Which would fuck me over because I don't earn as much and have health conditions that will make starting over difficult. I gotta look out for #1 now, as unsatisfying as that might be in the interim.

Really?
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Re: The Steve Shives Saga: Ashley Learns that Steve Has Blocked Her, Too. s

#6

Post by Really? »

Matt Cavanaugh wrote: Shives should've sexted with Hyena Dhadaboy instead. Then he could've honestly stated, 'No, snuggums, I'm not having an emotional affair with another woman.'
If Steve were truly intersectional, he would be cheating with Zinnia or Muscato.

Really?
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Re: The Steve Shives Saga: Ashley Learns that Steve Has Blocked Her, Too. s

#7

Post by Really? »

Not very long after DAY SIX, Ashley posts:



http://removeddit.com/r/relationship_ad ... sband_40m/

She gets 22K UPVOTES. 700+ COMMENTS.
Original post:

Just wanted to let everyone know that my husband was in fact cheating on me. He's been having an emotional affair with his ex that's stretched over years.

He confessed the day after I posted the original. We are now headed toward divorce after 15 good (well, I thought so, anyway) years together.

Trust your intuition.

And to everyone who told me I was just not being "confident enough" or that I was being "jealous," please go fuck yourselves. Thank you.

Edit: Thank you everyone for being so nice. It means so much. To answer a few questions...

he loves her and has said repeatedly that if forced to choose he will choose her, so no, no reconciliation on the horizon
emotional affair = no physical contact but an intimate emotional involvement with romantic intentions
Yeah, I messaged the ex's husband with all the details but I'm not sure if it got caught in his spam filter or not and he read it. Apparently he is fine with it because they are not splitting up
She told my husband a couple weeks ago she also had longtime feelings for him and after that they were sexting, so it did have a sexual element
they've been online pals in regular contact for at least 7 years, and he always refused to stop talking to her
The rest of the OP isn't very interesting, but did Ashley know that Steve and Dana were talking for so long?

Sorry, guys. Ashley isn't quite ready to put herself out there again:
Oh yeah the thought of being with another person right now repels me
Stubbly_Poonjab asks:


were you able to document what he did in some way? that would be helpful in a divorce. best of luck to you
Ashley replies:
He already locked all his devices, so unfortunately no, but they constantly text and message each other
So it seems as though Steve DIDN'T have passwords on his devices. That must have pissed her off when she accidentally tried going through his phone.

Someone suggests Steve might come back. Ashley replies:

"No, I am pretty done"

Ashley is starting to understand that she was gaslit by a misogynist predator:
Dude he lied for 15 years. Believe me, I tried "fucking communicating." He knew exactly how i felt about it and tried to make me feel like I was paranoid and jealous. If the other person lies there's not much you can do until it all comes out in the wash.
Can we PLEASE equip the Shives household with cameras? It would be the best TV show ever.
I will have to live with him for the foreseeable future due to money/logistics, so I feel your pain. It's so tough to be in the same house. I'm sorry that happened to you, too, and hope you find a healthy way through it.

___________________________________________

Ashley replies on another person's thread.

I found out almost a week ago my husband was having a longterm emotional affair. I have not been able to eat, either. I feel sick after a few bites. Like there's something stuck in my throat and I can't swallow. And I usually love to eat. I also have diarrhea (sorry, TMI) pretty much all the time. Can't figure it out since I eat so little. I've lost like six lbs in a week which I didn't think was humanly possible.

Just today the sick feeling started to go away a little. Not much but a little. I find that if I eat immediately after talking to a family member or friend on the phone I can actually take more than a bite or two. I guess because talking to someone else calms me down a little and reminds me that there is goodness in the world and not everyone has forsaken me. Talking is also a good distraction.

Good luck and there is nothing wrong with that reaction. I think it will just take time for our appetites to come back.

Really?
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Re: The Steve Shives Saga: Ashley Learns that Steve Has Blocked Her, Too. s

#8

Post by Really? »

Day seven, Ashley posts:



http://removeddit.com/r/survivinginfide ... c_illness/
My husband cheated, suddenly told me a week ago he loves someone else after 15 years together, and now we both want a divorce. If I were perfectly healthy, I would have moved out and gone no contact a week ago when he told me.

However, I have a chronic illness that has kept me from holding a full time job. I don't know how I'm gonna survive in the coming months living on my own and holding a job.

Has anyone had any similar experience? People say "alimony" or whatnot, but he doesn't make that money to begin with, so I couldn't live on that. I would get on disability (i'm in the US) but the process is soooo slow and I don't know if I would qualify because I mostly manage the symptoms at home instead of constantly seeing doctors. The worst symptom of my illness is vertigo, which makes driving and pretty much everything else impossible. I don't want to live with him forever, though he says that I can if I need to.

Things are looking pretty bleak for the home team.
Pofchero suggests that Steve may just have to get multiple additional jobs to support a woman he has zero interest in:
Please do not take this wrong...at this point he is of absolutely no concern to you. If he has to get a 2nd and 3rd job that is solely on him. He committed adultery, he threw you under the bus, he wants to walk away. Your only concern is to protect you for the long term. Frankly if he got hit by the bus he threw you under, the only compassion he deserves is the same you would give to a complete stranger. Because, in fact, that isn’t the man you married, is he? He is a complete stranger. You need to be very strong. He will try to manipulate you. It is ever so important that you remove any and all emotions now. You need to see and think clearly. So you need to use your head and mind, only. Once you allow any emotion to enter you will not be able to see the trees from the forest.

Even in a no-fault state infidelity can come into play, when documented and supported. Again what state are you located in?
Are the wheels turning? Is this when Ashley starts thinking about getting half?
Thanks, I never thought about him having to get extra work to support me. The truth is that I would rather just cut all ties and never see him again. I don't want to ever feel like I owe him anything. I don't want to even think about thinking it in the future. I don;t want to say what state I am in because of privacy but I appreciate your encouragement. You are right, he is like a stranger now.
Someone suggests a lawyer. Ashley replies:
The thing is, my husband barely makes above $30k a year. We have a lot of bills coming up, too, so even if i got a good lawyer there's not any money to take. I am able to do freelance work, but it can be sporadic. I live in a no-fault state.
https://thediwire.com/wp-content/upload ... 437954.jpg

HOW THE HELL DOES HE SUPPORT HIMSELF ON 30K?

A commenter breaks down the sad reality:
You'll have to sit back and look at the legal situation and that your divorce is a financial transaction now, not an emotional one. In a no fault state, the fact that he cheated on you is not something the court will care about.

Since he makes $30k / year, going to be honest here, there's not a lot of money to go around. How long were you married? You said "15 years together" but how long were you actually married?

The courts won't force him to work 2 or 3 jobs in order to 100% support you, as his spousal support obligation is going to be based on that $30k/year. As for health insurance, the court may or may not require him to provide you with a health insurance plan, but since he only makes $30k / year, the court most likely will not, and tell you to go on your state's Medicare/medicaid.

As for your chronic illness. You aren't on disability. That's going to be a big thing in courts. It is unfortunate, but too many husbands and wives claim to be disabled, in order to get out of working full time and collect alimony (my ex-wife tried unsuccessfully to do that). So the courts generally require that a person be certified as disabled and on disability, in order to claim that they're unable to work full time.
Of course, Ashley doesn't want Steve's money. (Remember that bit.)
The thing is that I don't want to just sit at home and collect alimony, I actually am kind of looking forward to getting a job and supporting myself, I am just terrified of how that is going to happen with my unpredictable illness. We were married 10 years. Thanks for the health insurance tip, that might be something at least.
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Unknown time passes.

Ashley posts:



http://removeddit.com/r/survivinginfide ... in_denial/
My parents are conservative and have been married almost 50 years. They love me and mean well, but they are laboring under the delusion that my husband and I are somehow "going to work this out" and they keep telling me to "not give up hope." It drives me crazy because HE DOES NOT LOVE ME ANYMORE and has in fact chosen someone else. As scary as a future alone is right now, I do not want to live in that kind of situation or with that kind of person.

I mean, he is phoning and texting with other woman and carrying on their "friendship" every freakin day right in front of me.....like, there is no hope and I am okay with that. How can I address this with my parents without being a total jerk?
_____________________________________________

Could this be a hint toward the future? Will Ashley strike back once she doesn't need Steve's money?


I don't believe in forgiveness. I think it is a made-up concept. You can do all the things listed above without labeling it "forgiveness." Just let time pass and do its thing. Things look smaller when they are years away. That's pretty much all you can do.

Really?
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Re: The Steve Shives Saga: Ashley Learns that Steve Has Blocked Her, Too. s

#9

Post by Really? »

Day 13:



http://removeddit.com/r/survivinginfide ... _issleazy/
Now that it's all out there he has no shame. He takes phone calls from his woman at 7 in the goddamned morning. Then she calls him sometimes on her lunchbreak. Then when she gets out of work in the afternoon. He at least agreed to go outside of the house when he talks with her. (It's a long-distance thing.)

He has a huge following on social media and he keeps sharing her posts and blog entries despite telling me he'd lay off while we're still in the raw stage because I told him it was hurtful. I feel like a peeled scab. I don't know how I could make myself clearer to him. He really doesn't seem to get it. This man who was always so kind and thoughtful seems like he suddenly either hates me or does not care for my wellbeing or feelings one bit.

It's just so bizarre because a few weeks ago he and I were making plans and having fun and I thought everything was great. Who are you and what have you done with my husband, I want to ask him. It's like a Pod People situation. I really don't know what to do. We have to live together until I can get a job and move out of here, so this is my gross life now. He seems intent on making me miserable.
You can't say that Steve isn't a gentleman. He steps outside to talk to his girlfriend so his wife won't hear.


_______________________________________

Not too long after that, Ashley posted:



http://removeddit.com/r/survivinginfide ... you_trust/
Right now I feel like I might be single forever and I'm 100% okay with that. But this whole experience really has mind-effed me because my STBXH was so kind, loving, attentive, compassionate, funny, etc etc all that bullshit for a good part of our marriage. Neither of us were perfect, but I really thought he was who I was gonna grow old and die with. Even when we annoyed one another I knew he loved me.

How could I have been so totally wrong? Now it's like living with a stranger. In the space of two weeks he's done a 180 and has been cruel and uncaring, talking on the phone with his AP in front of me, posting about her, ignoring me, etc.

For anyone who has come out the other side and found love again, how did you do it? How did you know they were "the one" without constantly questioning yourself and wondering "is this really who they are" or "do they really mean what they say?" My whole perception of people and trusting who I think they are erodes more and more with each passing day.
Ashley talking about Steve's friend circle. Is this a hint toward Steve's narcissism?
Funny you mention this, because he's never really had any longterm friends. He has a good friend now, but he's only known him for a few years. Edit: Also, when I asked a few weeks ago, he couldn't tell me the names of his friend's kids, soooo...yeah.
_________________________________________

Ashley posts the same comment to two different subs:





From the latter, Ashley responds:
Thank you. You're right, I'm going to wait until I get a job before seriously apartment shopping. Super frugal means I don't ever go out, I basically spend money on the bare necessities. My car is paid off, and I have a lot of DVDs so I don't really even need to pay for lots of streaming services or stuff like that. I have a pretty solid savings, at least, so I could get some good secondhand furniture and fix it it up nice. Thanks for the advice.

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Re: The Steve Shives Saga: Ashley Learns that Steve Has Blocked Her, Too. s

#10

Post by Lsuoma »


Service Dog
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Re: The Steve Shives Saga: Ashley Learns that Steve Has Blocked Her, Too. s

#11

Post by Service Dog »

Really? wrote: How the hell does Steve get 6K viewers?
I was amazed that Ashley got 22.5k upvotes on one of her reddit posts.

And then I laughed so hard when I saw her complaint about the 'emotional labor' Shives made her do.

bitch, puh-leeez... you're crowd-sourcing an 'emotional labor' sweatshop on reddit!

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Re: The Steve Shives Saga: Ashley Learns that Steve Has Blocked Her, Too. s

#12

Post by Service Dog »

Didja see the one where Ashley outed Steve as a "boob man"?

And lamented losing him to a woman with a double-masectomy.

Or-- to quote Ashley-- a "titless wonder".

KiwiInOz
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Re: The Steve Shives Saga: Ashley Learns that Steve Has Blocked Her, Too. s

#13

Post by KiwiInOz »

Bloody hell, Really! You must have got a whole cutlery drawer of spoons for Christmas to enact this labour.

Really?
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Re: The Steve Shives Saga: Ashley Learns that Steve Has Blocked Her, Too. s

#14

Post by Really? »

Service Dog wrote:
Thu Dec 31, 2020 6:30 pm
Didja see the one where Ashley outed Steve as a "boob man"?

And lamented losing him to a woman with a double-masectomy.

Or-- to quote Ashley-- a "titless wonder".
I knew that Dana had a double mastectomy (not making fun of that), but I missed the "boob man" part.
KiwiInOz wrote:
Thu Dec 31, 2020 6:31 pm
Bloody hell, Really! You must have got a whole cutlery drawer of spoons for Christmas to enact this labour.
There's so much more to go......

The community I loved is dead. (Along with so many others I loved.) I miss pinning these charlatans dead to rights, even if the brainwashed never have to acknowledge the truth. At the very least, I can know that I live in reality and understand the world as it is.

I really like to think that Ashley is so hurt and pissed that she'll nuke Steve's career out of spite. FFS, only three weeks ago, Steve did a livestream with Feminist Victim #1. That MUST chafe her panties. This hilariousness is so much worse than Dr. Richard Carrier PhD's scandal. It's one thing to "come out poly." Shives is literally calling 1800s schoolmarm IN FRONT OF HER EVEN THOUGH HE KNOWS IT HURTS HER.


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Re: The Steve Shives Saga: Ashley Learns that Steve Has Blocked Her, Too. s

#15

Post by Service Dog »

Really? wrote: Feminist Victim #1
A tidy little victory: I read the name "Anita Sarkeesian" several times & pictured Rebecca Watson.

Just straight up forgot which was which. Prosopagnosia for the win.

**Gonna tell my grandkids this was AOC**
https://votesmart.org/canphoto/182313_lg.jpg

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Re: The Steve Shives Saga: Ashley Learns that Steve Has Blocked Her, Too. s

#16

Post by MarcusAu »

Any relationship can come to a messy end.

If I was to give any advice to Ashley - it would be to:

1) Get a lawyer.

2) If you must talk about the situation - take it offline to a private counscilor.

3) If it's over, it's over. Move out as soon as you can, and forget about telling Steve what he can or can't do (eg with respect to the phone calls).


Not that it's likely that she will be taking any advice from me. There seems to be no situation that two idiots cannot make worse.

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Re: The Steve Shives Saga: Ashley Learns that Steve Has Blocked Her, Too. s

#17

Post by Matt Cavanaugh »

My advice to Ashley: Go and fix your make up, girl, it’s just a break up. Run and hide your crazy and start actin’ like a lady.


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